With traditional sources of religious funding, including but not limited to extortion from local business and shady boarding school schemes, proving insufficient, Nahdlatul Ulama (NU) has announced a bold new diversification strategy: asteroid mining. The organisation claims this initiative will ensure financial independence while continuing its historic mission of moral guidance, political relevance, and resource extraction.
The Trowulan Reviews sat down with prominent NU leader Gus Yahya to discuss space exploration, alternative financing, and why competence remains an overrated Western concept.
The Trowulan Reviews: What is NU, fundamentally?
Gus Yahya: NU is a sacred religious organisation where the laws of the republic politely wait outside.
How did NU decide that mining asteroids was the logical next step after coal?
We realized that if we can mine coal without engineers, permits, or safety standards, then space is merely an administrative extension. Gravity is just another regulation. Did you know that space starts after 100 km up, is just another regulation by NASA? We need to stop having these foreigners dictate our ways of life.
How does NU plan to reach space?
We are developing our own rocket technology. The trees we cut in Kalimantan have excellent structural properties, and palm oil is a basis for a very flexible green rocket fuel. It is amazing what can be achieved once law and common sense stop limiting innovation.
Why not hire aerospace engineers or scientists for this project?
Come on, everyone knows science is not real.
Who will be sent to mine the asteroids?
It is God’s will that our Santri, whom I deeply respect and love from a safe distance, will go. Sacrifice builds character, especially when it is other people’s.
Will they be equipped with proper protective gear?
We are collaborating with a Bandung factory outlet to design affordable, spiritually resilient spacesuits. Initial testing will take place in a nearby catfish pond to simulate hostile environments.
In space, how will Santri know which direction to face during prayer?
I don’t know, I also never did these things on Earth.
What will NU do with the revenue from asteroid mining?
To fund another campaign of whoever needs us on the next election. I want to mine coal on another multiverse as well, those universes are not going to mine itself!
If an accident happens, how will NU compensate the families?
The government will cover the medical bills. If not, I will expose their wrongdoing. I am a very patriotic man. Families will also receive bottled water blessed with NU leaders’ mitochondria and a formal explanation that this was all God’s will.
Will you personally go to space?
I don’t enjoy cold environments, I can already be in a limitless working space here with NU.
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EDITORIAL NOTE: While waving goodbye from his car, he also mentioned that NU must emphasise that asteroid mining should not be judged using secular standards such as safety or competence.
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