JAKARTA - In a routine press conference, the president’s spokesperson proudly announced that the President just won another round against a wet bathroom floor by crossing it with a pair of Sheraton hotel sandals. “We’ve never seen this many streaks of winnings against such shower conditions for a man that age. He still got it!” says the spokesperson during a press conference. By the time of this writing, we have been denied multiple times for an exclusive interview with the wet bathroom floor of what it will do in terms of strategy change.

Two Indonesian students, Budi Mabol Lejen and Agung Pabaji Mobal, sneaked into the MBG kitchen wearing barefoot shoes to get food before their classmates. To their surprise, they found that the newly arrived plates smelled of mold and were covered with maggots. Budi suggested to Agung that the surprise they discovered was merely the generosity of their dearly beloved President of Indonesia. Agung understood and insisted to Budi that they should not waste the extra protein that was provided. After eagerly devouring the plates that smelled like a wet sock, Budi and Agung decided to drown the molds and maggots in their stomachs by chugging a diabetic’s worst nightmare: Teh Sisri Gula Batu.

When school ended, Budi and Agung walked home with heads full of ideas and jelly for feet. Under the influence of toxic molds, the two students went feral and began attacking students around the rival school areas, claiming, “We are the Dark Lords of Bekasi.” This, unfortunately, sparked a gang war between the two schools. The next day, Budi and Agung were apprehended by the authorities for causing chaos. The two students sought forgiveness, and the accusations were dismissed after they prayed to God.

JAKARTA - After being scolded of public for carrying two jets on an overseas trip, Istana denies that the president is also using a new spoon for every bite every time he has a meal. “It is simply not true”, says the Istana kitchen staff in a work interview, carrying a basket of at least 150 metal spoons to the incinerator facility. “To be frank, I don’t believe he uses different spoons. I barely see him eat; he only does it in his room with the secretary”. By the time this article is written, the presidential communication office has yet to respond to our inquiry about an online shop merchant receiveing order for 1500 metal spoons every week in Tokopedia, billed to the address of the presidential palace.

Indonesian Musician Reza Arap Oktovian has decided to introduce himself to The Trowulan Reviews. Here is everything you need to know about the musician.

Full Name: Reza Arap Ribbit Oktovian

Username: YourBitchRap (@ybrap)

Birthplace: The Temple of Zukulkan

Instrument: Vapes

Vocal Style: Dehydration And Nitrous Oxide

Biggest Musical Influence: Bass-Boosted Indonesian TikTok Music

Number One Hit Song: “Gak Ganteng Sebenarnya DJ Zuma Remix”

Audience: Clubbers With Tooth Plaque

Favorite Perfume: Discharge

Favorite pick-up lines: Slurs

What He Does In His Spare Time: Calling For Rain

Other Occupation: Leader of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

JAKARTA - Just days after New Year’s, the Indonesian Military launched a surprise operation that government officials claimed was “necessary.” Indonesian soldiers have been reported to have raided a civilian home in Central Jakarta. The raid was launched after soldiers stationed nearby were informed the bakso seller was making biological weapons funded by foreign intelligence.“This was a matter of national security,” one officer explained. Upon this discovery, the troops took it upon themselves to ensure the safety of the nation by any means unnecessary and beat the homeowner in self-defense before confiscating the meatballs for further inspection. The homeowner has also been placed in custody and is currently being held in Kerobokan Penitentiary Institution due to what officials reiterated was a matter of national security more severe than even the imminent threat of drug dealing just a few blocks away from the neighborhood. After the harrowing incident, the military has assured the public that no law-abiding bakso were harmed, and the remaining pot of unrefrigerated meatballs was given to MBG kitchens 7 days later. This act of charity by the Indonesian Armed Forces was documented on all digital platforms and acknowledged by foreigners, officials, locals, even the author of this article and the founder of the Trowulan Reviews. When all things are well, we can always depend on our most beloved national armed forces to change their nature.

JAKARTA - Determined to prevent another pandemic from a foreign virus, the Ministry of Health (Kemenkes) announced the groundbreaking of the development of the Anti-Nipah Virus mobile app. In collaboration with the Ministry of Agriculture, partnered based on their breakthrough in the anti-COVID-19 necklace, the app will use Bluetooth technology to build an electromagnetic wave around a person to act as a forcefield, repelling any virus from entering the human body. “This is a very advanced technology developed by our local scientist. He experimented in his lab, located at the back of his chicken pen, in his sparetime” says a Kemenkes spokesperson. “The technology has not been tested on a living human, but this will be a good opportunity for karya anak bangsa to prove we are as superior as a modern medicine solution”. At press time, the said scientist was seen giving a 2-hour presentation in front of Kemenkes officials at an inauguration buffet.

Ferry Irwandi, an influential Indonesian content creator, YouTuber, and social activist, has decided to introduce himself to The Trowulan Reviews. Here is everything you need to know about the influencer.

Nickname: The Imposter from Among Us

Favorite Instruments: Phone and mouth

Education: comments in r/stoicism on Reddit

Hobbies: Not gathering enough research

Political Beliefs: Whatever’s trending on social media

Primary Audience: Trust fund kids who have just read the Madilog

Qualifications: Lying

Enemies: AI technology, the government, and the people

Dream job: President of the Republic of Indonesia

What he will do if he is president: establish his own educational institute.

What you can earn from this University: a degree in performative activism

JAKARTA - Being allegedly foreign-funded, the Customs and Excise Directorate General notified the head of the National Desk of TEMPO, Stefanus Pramono, that all articles that show the ugly side of government are now subject to customs tax. “We want to show the public that all imported products are subject to rightful tax”, says an unnamed customs officer at Terminal 2 security checkpoint in an interview, as he was trying to pry open a big suitcase full of clothes belonging to a Master’s student returning from Berlin. “I was informed that their articles pass through the airport, as many smuggled items do. I must find them first before the others can extort those reporters”. At the time of the writing of this article, Mr Pramono declined an interview with The Trowulan Reviews, as we were told he was busy reducing the amount of words in upcoming publications, as customs want to charge the tax based on article length.

Thomas Djiwandono was recently picked to serve as the Deputy Governor of Bank Indonesia. The Trowulan Reviews will share with you everything you need to know about the president’s nephew.

Education: Paid upfront, all cash.

Political Beliefs: Nepotism.

Hairstyle: Oily forehead and back-combed facism.

Qualifications: Memorising the 2 persons on 100 thousand rupiah bills.

Prior finance experience: Managed crowdfunding for company hangouts.

Primary task in BI: Picking out good serial numbers to be auctioned at a private party later.

Ambition to improve IDR currency: Slowly receding as he studies economics.

An insult from Twitter that he will prove otherwise pinned to his refrigerator: You will never be deputy governor if your uncle is not president.

Image credit: Indonesia Business Post

On a fine Tuesday night, the Indonesian Gaming Youtuber Jess-No-Limit decided to fly to the US to visit Rapper P Diddy in Prison.

During his stay, Jess-No-Limit sat down with P Diddy for a conversation. One of the Trowulan journalists was lucky enough to sneak into prison as a guard and record their conversation.

Disclaimer: This was extremely easy to do because our journalist had to gain weight of over 300 pounds and grow out a mustache.

Jess-No-Limit: Hello, P Diddy. Nice to meet you

P Diddy: Do I know you? If this is another butt inspection, I’m telling you the only thing I have in my butt is love. There ain’t no drugs in here, whatever the rumors say, it ain’t true.

Jess-No-Limit: I am a YouTuber from Indonesia. I make gaming content, mainly focusing on playing Mobile Legends only briefly, putting in just about 20 hours total.

P Diddy: Shit, are you married?

Jess-No-Limit: Yes, and we are blessed with one child. They love me dearly.

P Diddy: Alright, hold on. How do you make them stay with your goofy ass? You sound like you play too much.

Jess-No-Limit: I give them the affection I learned from Mobile Legends.

P Diddy: okay why the fuck are you here then wasting my time?

Jess-No-Limit: I don’t mean to offend, but my wife likes to kiss 600$ cow piss-infused ice cream, and I am bored; I came here to ask you for dating advice.

P Diddy: Alright, hold on, you got any experience before her?

Jess-No-Limit: Yeah, she was 14 years old, and I was 23. We met in Mobile Legends.

P Diddy: Man, this is why you sinkin’. You gotta get ‘em when they start walking, and the only thing in their heads is eating batteries. If she can count to ten, she doesn’t go to the pen. Ya feel me? We all got love to share, and I know how. That’s why they call me Love. ya gotta pick smart.

Jess-No-Limit: Wow. Thank you so much Mr Diddy. I will surely follow this amazing advice. What can I do for you in return?

P Diddy: Well i got extra time, so what you can do for me is ███████████████, and I want you to ███████████ then show me your ████████.

From here on, Jess-No-Limit nods in agreement. The next day, he returned to Indonesia.

(Disclaimer: PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREAK INTO PRISON WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. We had to put our journalist into a psych ward after this interview.)

JAKARTA - In response to the massive influx of criticism delivered by building exactly what the government will build in TheoTown, an old ex-ABRI deputy official in Kementerian Komunikasi dan Digital (Komdigi) proposes a ban on the sale of TheoTown CDs. “These video games - delivered by CDs to be installed with Windows XP Wizards need to be stopped”, said the official, as interviewed after he came late to an event where he was a keynote speaker by 2 hours. “Call me old-fashioned, but the easiest way to prevent contraband from spreading is by banning the sale. It’s very easy”. The unnamed official then asked his adjutant for help, as he struggled to send a picture via WhatsApp. “You can deliver criticism to the government, but don’t say bad things. Be polite, follow the Indonesian culture”, he said as he strolled away to his car in a wheelchair.

JAKARTA - Overwhelmed with writing letters on the napkins available on his dining table, President Prabowo Subianto plans to delegate the task of rejecting foreign aid to a new and fresh government agency. “The situation in Sumatra is very much under control, and we can handle this ourselves. The broken houses are under control, the non-functional streets and bridges are under control, and the starving is also under control”, Prabowo said in a primetime televised address, while announcing the formation of the new agency. “The agency will be dedicated to solely writing polite rejection letters for foreign countries that offer relief aid to the Sumatra cyclone victims. “There are so many of them! They keep sending us aid after aid. This is very bad publicity for me.”

The agency will be named National Aid Repellant Agency, headed by Raffi Ahmad with the official title of Deputy Head for Apology Tone Calibration. “We will have an internal department assigned to select which envelope to use. We are still working on the workflow of approving each rejection letter before it is delivered to the ambassador of each respective nation”. He also mentioned that receiving aid is a national security threat. “In the future, this agency will also serve to abolish foreign investment in local startups, and to reject foreign scholarships offered to Indonesian students, on their behalf. That is an insult to how well we managed our tax reliefs and education budget”, he says while enjoying a buffet at the agency inauguration.

With traditional sources of religious funding, including but not limited to extortion from local business and shady boarding school schemes, proving insufficient, Nahdlatul Ulama (NU) has announced a bold new diversification strategy: asteroid mining. The organisation claims this initiative will ensure financial independence while continuing its historic mission of moral guidance, political relevance, and resource extraction.

The Trowulan Reviews sat down with prominent NU leader Gus Yahya to discuss space exploration, alternative financing, and why competence remains an overrated Western concept.

The Trowulan Reviews: What is NU, fundamentally?

Gus Yahya: NU is a sacred religious organisation where the laws of the republic politely wait outside.

How did NU decide that mining asteroids was the logical next step after coal?

We realized that if we can mine coal without engineers, permits, or safety standards, then space is merely an administrative extension. Gravity is just another regulation. Did you know that space starts after 100 km up, is just another regulation by NASA? We need to stop having these foreigners dictate our ways of life.

How does NU plan to reach space?

We are developing our own rocket technology. The trees we cut in Kalimantan have excellent structural properties, and palm oil is a basis for a very flexible green rocket fuel. It is amazing what can be achieved once law and common sense stop limiting innovation.

Why not hire aerospace engineers or scientists for this project?

Come on, everyone knows science is not real.

Who will be sent to mine the asteroids?

It is God’s will that our Santri, whom I deeply respect and love from a safe distance, will go. Sacrifice builds character, especially when it is other people’s.

Will they be equipped with proper protective gear?

We are collaborating with a Bandung factory outlet to design affordable, spiritually resilient spacesuits. Initial testing will take place in a nearby catfish pond to simulate hostile environments.

In space, how will Santri know which direction to face during prayer?

I don’t know, I also never did these things on Earth.

What will NU do with the revenue from asteroid mining?

To fund another campaign of whoever needs us on the next election. I want to mine coal on another multiverse as well, those universes are not going to mine itself!

If an accident happens, how will NU compensate the families?

The government will cover the medical bills. If not, I will expose their wrongdoing. I am a very patriotic man. Families will also receive bottled water blessed with NU leaders’ mitochondria and a formal explanation that this was all God’s will.

Will you personally go to space?

I don’t enjoy cold environments, I can already be in a limitless working space here with NU.

---

EDITORIAL NOTE: While waving goodbye from his car, he also mentioned that NU must emphasise that asteroid mining should not be judged using secular standards such as safety or competence.

Summary

• Bank Indonesia plans to boost the perceived value of the Rupiah by printing “x3” on banknotes instead of improving underlying economic conditions.

• Officials defend the idea as a simple, “locally inspired” solution.

JAKARTA - In a bold step to strengthen the national currency without touching the actual economy, Bank Indonesia, the central bank, has announced plans to print “x3” on all existing banknotes. This initiative will immediately triple all existing perceived values on printed money.

The initiative, which is the subsequent action of the government’s redenomination plan to remove three zeroes from the Rupiah, aims to “make money feel bigger” without the hassle of making it worth more. “We’ve tried monetary policy, fiscal discipline, and inflation targeting,” said one unnamed central bank spokesperson. “At some point, you just have to admit a permanent marker is so much cheaper.” According to insiders, the idea came after long debates involving throwing chairs on how to simplify Indonesia’s currency system while still looking impressive in front of the strong US dollar. “Instead of chopping off zeroes, we decided to add a multiplier,” said the spokesperson proudly, in an interview. “I studied economics at Oxford for like 4 years, but sometimes you need a kampung solution. This is local genius.”

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Finance has cautiously welcomed the proposal, earlier this week, noting that it’s “easier than achieving economic growth or creating jobs.” Implementation of the new system is expected to begin once the printing staff complete a short training course on how to use Snowman markers. “I think most of them are still in the early phase of learning how to read. Early prototypes reportedly include a Rp10,000 note labeled “Rp10 x3,” which officials say “psychologically feels like Rp30,000, especially if you squint.”

At press time, the Finance Minister confirmed that if the “x3” program succeeds, the government may consider future expansions, such as “x10” for the central budget and “÷0.5” for public debt. Locals are also currently waiting for confirmation if they can use the Snowman markers themselves.

As 2025 comes to an end, the Trowulan Reviews will give pointless awards that the winners cannot brag about. After going through almost no selection process, the editorial team of the Trowulan Reviews have nominated a number of awards to the following.

The award for
KEEPING 95% OF THE ECONOMY CIRCULATING
is given to

SPORTS STORE OWNERS SELLING PICKEBALL RACKETS

The award for
ENDING THE POLITICAL CAREER OF ANIES RASYID BASWEDAN
is given to

ANIES RASYID BASWEDAN

The award for
BEING IDEOLOGICALLY FLEXIBLE ENOUGH TO FIT ANY COALITION
is given to

MUHAIMIN ISKANDAR

The award for
BEING SEEN AS SUPERIOR BY DOING EVERYTHING IN A MEDIOCRE WAY
is given to

PRAMONO ANUNG

The award for
SOLVING A PROBLEM BY RENAMING IT
is given to

BADAN KOMUNIKASI PEMERINTAH
(formerly known as KANTOR KOMUNIKASI KEPRESIDENAN (KKK))

The award for
HOLDING THE MOST AMOUNT OF CRAP IN A PERSON
is given to

THE TACTICAL VEST WORN BY VERREL BRAMASTA

The award for
MAKING HISTORY MORE COMFORTABLE
is given to

FADLI ZON AS MINISTER OF CULTURE

The award for
BEING COMPLETELY ABSENT FROM THE EPSTEIN FILES
is given to

████████████████████
[REDACTED FOR NATIONAL HARMONY]

We congratulate all awardees and encourage them to keep up the good performances, hence they can win more meaningless awards, such as Doctor Honoris Causa.

Image credits: Photos by Brendan Sapp on Unsplash, aniesbaswedan.com, Wikimedia Commons (Pramono Anung, KKK/Bakom RI, Fadli Zon), Detik via Instagram.

The Trowulan Reviews had the honor of interviewing Coordinating Minister for Human Resource Development Muhaimin Iskandar, popularly known as Cak Imin, following the government’s decision to rebuild Pondok Pesantren Al-Khoziny using Rp125.3 billion from the national budget. The pesantren previously collapsed, killing 63 santri, without any suspects named to date.

Our first impression: the minister was relaxed, jovial, and visibly relieved that concrete is easier to manage than responsibility.

The Trowulan Reviews: Let’s get straight to the point. What is the justification for allocating Rp125.3 billion of national funds to rebuild this pesantren?

Muhaimin Iskandar: Well, repairing buildings costs money. Hehe.

That is true, but why this much?

Because they secured a very large number of votes in the last election. That is how my opponent won and how I became minister. Hehe.

People in Aceh and Sumatra also vote, yet disaster relief per regency is far smaller. How do you explain that?

If you haven’t heard, as expressed indirectly by our eighth and final president, we may not need elections anymore. So there’s no need to worry about future voting blocks.

Some critics say this looks like special treatment.

I reject that completely. This is equal treatment. Everyone is allowed to collapse once before receiving national attention.

The original building collapsed due to poor construction. Who will be held accountable?

Accountability is very important. That is why we are moving forward instead of backward.

Will the rebuilt pesantren follow proper engineering standards?

Absolutely. This time we will include walls, roofs, and a strong sense of optimism.

The previous construction reportedly involved forced labor by children. How will that be addressed?

We are reframing it as early exposure to the construction sector. This aligns well with human resource development.

Why was a political figure present at the groundbreaking instead of, say, an engineer?

Engineers fix structures. Politicians fix narratives. Only one of those needs to stand for re-election.

Families of the deceased have received limited compensation. Do you think that is sufficient?

No amount of money can replace a child. That is why we gave them much less.

What message does this send to other pesantren across Indonesia?

Please don’t collapse, we are short on budget. But when it happens, collapse responsibly, stay politically relevant, and help us during elections.

Finally, what would you say to citizens who feel the national budget is being misused?

I understand their concern. That is why we carefully used it on the right people.

Summary

• Ministers are struggling to communicate directly with President Prabowo due to heavy information filtering by the Cabinet Secretary.

• To overcome this, they plan to use unconventional methods like carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and banner planes.

• A new, well-funded agency will be created to manage these efforts, diverting money from healthcare budgets.

JAKARTA - In response to growing difficulties in securing face time or even basic correspondence with President Prabowo Subianto, several cabinet ministers are reportedly preparing to adopt “non-conventional communication methods”, including carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and aluminum cans attached to strings.

According to a recent Tempo report, Cabinet Secretary Teddy Indra Wijaya has allegedly become the sole gatekeeper of all information bound for the President. This includes filtering, redirecting, or simply forgetting to pass along messages depending on “mood, timing, and planetary alignment.”

Frustrated by unanswered texts and unreturned calls, ministers are now resorting to other alternatives. “We tried WhatsApp, encrypted email, and even old-fashioned knocking on the palace door,” said one senior official, who spoke on condition of anonymity while feeding a group of test pigeons behind the Signal Corps of a local military base. “At this point, a bird has a better chance of getting a meeting than we do. We will just have to ensure that the president’s cat will not hunt them down before they reach the president.”

New agency to oversee communication efforts

The initiative, officially called the National Communication Restoration Task Force, is expected to receive a dedicated annual budget sourced from funds previously allocated to public healthcare programs. “It’s a small price to pay for administrative efficiency,” said one planning document. “Besides, if you’re healthy enough to complain, you’re healthy enough to deliver a message by hand.” The Task Force will also be complemented with 1 head and 5 deputies; 3 from the military, 1 from the ruling party, and 1 from the old friend of the president back in the military academy, to ensure smooth operations. The annual budget is yet to be agreed by the parliament in the next fiscal session.

An executive spokesperson confirmed that one of the leading candidates to head the new agency is a popular social media influencer who played a key role in the president’s election campaign. “This appointment is purely based on merit,” said the spokesperson. “As an artist, he understands messaging, aesthetics, and virality, hence all the competency of being a communicator. If he fails, we’ll just replace him with someone from the army. Communication is, after all, a matter of national defense, hence the matter for the army to interfere, once again.”

Meanwhile, engineers are said to be testing several low-flying aircraft equipped with banners to relay urgent memos directly above the presidential residence. “It’s a bit like crop dusting, but for policy updates,” said an aide. “If the president happens to look up, we might finally get something approved.”

As of press time, sources confirmed that the Ministry of Health’s attempt to send a status report via semaphore flags had been postponed indefinitely after the message was intercepted by a foreign Navy and mistaken for a declaration of war. This declaration is yet to be received by the president once the carrier pigeons are ready to fly.